So a couple of days ago, a certain Anonymous asked me about my opinion on FWB. I literally stopped for 5 seconds & as much as possible, gathered a few insights about this topic. 3…4…5. Eh, nothing.
So what I did was visited my friend Urban Dictionary.
Personally speaking, I have never really had much experience. One, I have always been in a relationship. Two, when a certain friend starts becoming ‘beneficial’ (asexual), we always end up being in a relationship. Three, uh okay, there’s no three. But due to having both male & female friends who seem to have more experience than me (in terms of having such) I think I might have picked up a thing or two that I can share.
Almost a relationship, but not quite. You flirt, you hold hands, you kiss, you hug, you cuddle, you may or may not have sex, but are you an item? Close, but no cigar. There’s no verbal agreement that you’re each other’s boyfriend/girlfriend. You ain’t exclusive & commitment is definitely out of the question. And what more? No I love yous are to be heard and, or said. And this my friends, should always be understood by both parties.
One of my good friends ALWAYS seem to fall into this kind of uncertainty. Let’s just call him B. So B’s recent encounter of this one lady, was something that didn’t catch me by surprise. As far as I know, they would only really hang out when B gets off work at 11, 11:30 ish at night, until the break of dawn. As B’s really good friend, I did my routine speculation of that lady & of course, gave him a GO, even though I knew from the beginning, there were these little creatures in my stomach that chanted, “FWB! FWB!”. I warned him, but who am I to shut his hopes down? Right.
I hate to say “I told you so”, but in the end, B’s ‘friend’ wasn’t quite ready for a serious relationship (even though they pretty much acted like it). She gives him a courtesy call (Call, Ok? Not meet up) and this lady is never to be heard of ever, again. What did I tell you? Close but (still) no cigar.
Surely B’s burned, torn, confused & has every right to question her decision. But since there was no formality to what they really are and where they stand, it’s really hard to challenge it. After all, they were just friends, right?
I think this kind of situation can happen pre-relationship & post relationship.
Sometimes, when you begin to develop that certain attraction to your “friend”, you kinda just want to try it out, test the water a little bit. Sign the paperwork, get the keys & take it out for a test drive. And if it works, it works. If it does not, well… Shit happens.
Let’s drive this baby up back to the dealership, no questions asked.
On the other hand, maybe this happens after a break-up. Both still love each other and can’t let go, but at the same time, both wants to know what’s out there. So you choose to stay as friends (but act as if you’re together).
And if this works out for the two, by all means.
For a time being, it could be fun. Especially if FUN is the only thing you’re looking for, at least for now. But just watch out, ‘cause it may just get complicated, too.
But Carmela, how can this get complicated? I mean, it’s pretty simple to me…
One. There’s a big chance you or that other person could actually fall for one another, and when you realize that, you are stuck in this place where you don’t clearly know what THEY want. Worse, you start not knowing what you, yourself want. One day, you can wake up wanting to be with that person and actually want a commitment. When that day comes, he or she may not want to and you fear that demanding that exclusiveness will cost you - him or her.
Two. Since we established that you aren’t together, you are also in no place to question his or her faithfulness & loyalty to you. ‘Cause believe it or not, he or she may have other ‘friends’ too. You can’t get jealous. You can’t demand his or her full on attention. You can’t really expect your ‘friend’ to be there for you twenty four seven. And if you do & they don’t like that idea? He or she can just runaway from everything, just like that new Toyota Camry you just test drove.
Three. There’s really no worse game than the waiting game. Waiting for something to happen. Waiting for something to change. Waiting for the day he or she realized they want more out of this ‘friendship’ than benefits. Just… waiting.
Personally speaking, I fucking dread waiting.
Four. This situation always sucks for the one who wear their heart on their sleeve. Not only ‘cause you fall, but fall fast. You fall hard. You fall really really hard. And when this happens, it’s hard not to get emotionally attached to that certain someone & it becomes really difficult to face this type of dilemma. And this is the part where you question your relationship’s potential, or if it can be called that at all.
Lastly, this calls for a scary situation. Not so much of you getting scared to get rejected or be said “no” to. And it’s also not so much of you getting scared to get hurt. I know at least one point in time, we have all been rejected & gotten hurt, so those feelings could be familiar to us. But like they always say, the greatest fear is the fear of the unknown. And in this case, that’s pretty much THE case. Stuck in the middle, stuck in maze. Stuck in a place of pure uncertainty. And just like waiting, I absolutely hate getting stuck.
While some like having friends with benefits, some like being in a relationship. Some prefer ‘no strings attached’ and to some, better than nothing, right? Some might think it’s solely for fun & some just don’t have a choice. Some might just be blinded by their cynicism towards the idea of settling down, love, etc, and some - a trial & error thing.
But whatever your reasoning behind this, just make sure you and your friend are in the same page, and have mutual understanding of where you both stand. How much of a risk you are willing to take. Its important to be on the same boat & know what exactly it is that you both want. After all, you guys are friends, right? You guys should be able to figure that out.
-Carmela
