"I don’t know how you’re gonna go in your next relationship, you’re scared of commitment."
You were right. I was scared of commitment. I was scared of the whole seriousness within a relationship. I was scared of having those fights that lead to sleepless nights and dreadful mornings.
Even now I am still heck scared even though I have such a wonderful guy in my life. Even when I’m with him, my heart at times still feels a sense of insecurity. I believe I still have a bit of commitment issues, and I won’t ever open up until I feel entirely comfortable. Although half of me am still afraid about the serious side of a relationship, the other half is willing to give all I have to my guy.
I was scared of commitment. I was scared of getting into the serious, comfortable stage. You have no idea how scared I was after being brutally abused emotionally by the first guy who I gave my entire heart to. I felt like I wasn’t able to commit ever again. Even with you, I couldn’t entirely be myself. I was still hooked onto the fact that we were going to get into the serious stage. And man, was I scared. I had to get out. And that’s what I did. I got out, and I made excuses along the way and I abused your trust and played with your heart.
But you know what? Now that I think about it, I realised that it wasn’t the commitment that I was afraid of. It was the fact that I couldn’t see a future with you. Not once was I able to think about the future while I was with you. I tried… but there was never a complete image.
It wasn’t my commitment issues that held me back from moving on further with you. It was the fact that I felt like I wouldn’t be able to love you for the rest of my life. I felt like I wasn’t able to give you my whole, even though at times I lied to myself that I could and forced myself to.
And when I left you, I thought that I would never find a guy that was willing to put up with all my shit, and my overdue battered heart. I thought that I wouldn’t find a guy that would make me laugh, and give me crazy butterflies I once had three and a half years ago. And again, I told myself that it was my commitment issues that would force me to run away from him.
But this is different. I didn’t think I’d give in to him. No. I thought I’d never find a guy that would make me laugh, make me cry and make me angry all at the same time and yet reminding me that he still loves me (in the strangest way as well).
I have to admit; at first the thought of committing to this guy scared the shit out of me. The thought of having to settle down with him and opening up to him made me feel uncomfortable. But I told myself to give it a shot. Give him a shot. Give us a shot. And I did just that. And slowly the days past… weeks past… months past… I grew fond of this guy. I forgot about my relationship insecurities and I forgot about everyone else that hurt me. He stood in front of all my insecurities, my flaws and all the other guys that I said “I love you” to.
I love him. And I never felt so much joy in telling someone that I do. He’s the first ever guy that I can actually imagine an entire future with. I can imagine myself waking up in the morning and cooking him breakfast, making him lunch and preparing dinner for him when he comes back from work. I can imagine myself fixing his tie and kissing him goodbye and telling him to have a wonderful day at work. I can imagine us having kids, him teaching our kids how to do things and laughing with them. I can imagine us sitting at the dinner table, laughing and talking about our days and talking about ridiculous things. I can imagine us fifty years from now at our child’s wedding and reminiscing on the day that we got married.
So yeah. Back to my commitment issues.
I am still scared. But he makes me forget when I’m with him.
And even though there will be times when we won’t be okay, I’m willing to go that extra mile, further than I’ve ever gone for anyone else just to keep us okay.
We’re always going to be okay.
I wasn’t committed to you because I can’t imagine a future with you. But him, I can imagine being with him every single day for the rest of my life.
“I think people make mistakes and they’re going to disappoint you, especially the people who love you most. And if you can’t forgive them for not being perfect, you’re going to end up alone.”—Make It Or Break It (via eletheowl)
It hurts. Right down to your stomach. That uncomfortable feeling, when you know you’re slowly drifting away from them. You’ll miss them, hopefully they think about you like you always thought about them. Till you’re just a faded memory. Then you suddenly disappear out of their lives. It hurts.
I remember feeling it all. I remember feeling insecure and waiting for you to come home because my mind was playing all these tricks on me. I remember creating scenarios that seemed far more unpleasant than what the truth turned out to be.
In the end, you didn’t even try to prove me wrong.
I was right as hell and you allowed me to be the good guy.
I don’t know why I cry so much over things I can’t control - things like people disappointing me or when they go against their word (because I am a woman of mine) or when they hurt me after apologizing for the same act just moments ago. I don’t know why I keep trying when there is no moving these mountains anymore. I’m out of strength and out of hope. I cry for people, in moments of genuine bliss and happiness for others, or I weep for their suffering much more than my own. I cry when they’re hurt but the world can only frown and move on when I stumble. Sometimes I hate the fact that I feel so much, so often, for so many - leaving me with all these emotions and there are no longer any empty spaces under the rug to sweep them into. Not even an open crevice left. It’s my fault for growing too attached and too reliant on people but to me, friendships are an investment and I’ve given my all into each and every one of them. Especially the people I consider my family but in the end, people move on and they attain their happinesses and I’m still here figuring out what more I can give, what else there is to hold onto. I’m tired. Being sad is tiring. Being disappointed just drains the light out of me. I don’t remember the last time I’ve ever felt… lonely so this feeling is all too new, and far too sudden. Around my friends, I can genuinely say I know each and every one of them to a certain and different degree, I just don’t speak on them but they mean the world to me but still, at the end of the day I am still… alone.
Now we’ve been talking for a while and you got me trying to figure out. Boy I don’t know what to say to you but you got me feeling some kind of way for you. And all I know is when we’re together, no one can make me feel the way you do baby. I wish each moment can last forever. It’s hard to explain the way I feel for you. I just can’t find the words. You got me losing myself in what I’m trying to say and it’s so hard to write it. Every time that I’m near you it’s like my heart gets weak. Feels like I’m losing my breath making it hard to speak. I just can’t find the words.
Now I know I come off kinda shy but it’s hard to say what’s on my mind. The chemistry we have is hard to find but to find the right words it’s going to take some time. And all I know is when we’re together no one can make me feel the way you do baby. I wish each moment can last forever. It’s hard to explain the way I feel for you.
Perhaps its for the greater good, or perhaps its for the worst but I know that since I have returned from my trip I have gained some things that changed my interests. … I think that ‘interests’ is what creates or defines a person. Whether its a rock band; a hobby in knitting or a particular sport you play every weekend, its an interest.
I’ll tell you about the person I used to be: I used to be so comfortable in the walls of highschool that I’ve chosen a career path that takes me back to it. I used to be wuss that was scared of heights and any form of adrenaline rides. I used to feel quite content about what I have chosen to become. I used to be a ‘now-person’. But I’ve outgrown those walls where everything inside repeats; everyday and everyweek is the same. I can climb any building and look at the city beneath my feet, I will ride any rollercoaster, I can free fall, and oh how I wish to bunjee jump. I’m over with “boring”; I’m done with “same-ol’-same-ol’”. I mean I’m even questioning the path that I’ve chosen and expected to follow.
I want different things now and it has made me a different person. I’m willing to explore so much more.
But will this… will ‘I’ affect the few others that liked me for who I was before?
Majority of people will always mistake kindness as weakness. However, I tell myself that as long as how I treat other people creates a subtle harmony in my own soul, the insults others try to pierce my skin with will never reach my heart. I am exulted in how I treat myself and how I treat others until they show me a reason to treat them any differently than I would my own parents. I treat everyone the same and that is something I will always hold dear; I have traveled a long way, through my merciless hatred and emotionless bitterness, to get to where I am today. I have a long way to go before I can speak about being a good person and I find myself too humble to go on a narcissistic rant about how amicable I am. I just see no reason to hate, to dwell in the words of others, to invest in so much anger; with happiness in others, I find happiness in myself. So, if my kindness is weakness, then so be it. But I can at least say that I am strong enough to forgive, to let bygones be bygones, and keep moving on with my life. If I spark a smile at unsuspecting strangers, I can only hope they’ll do the same.
Me and my current boyfriend met in Disney world.<-lol yes Disney World. We got to spend the whole week together last year. I live in Florida, he lives in Mississipi. It might not be as far as some long distance relationships, but it's far to me. I get to see him in four months. I have to wait four months. To see him for two days. I still have like four months and I'm already ready to explode. Im going to like attack him when I see him. lmaoo.(:
“I wouldn’t want to hurt somebody on purpose. Or even say something mean about them either. But if you give me a reason to, then I sure will fucking do it. Don’t insult me and expect me to stay calm and act like I didn’t hear what you said.”—