“I think a lot of overweight girls are hypocrites. I’m naturally tall and skinny, I eat what I want, I don’t starve myself and I am beautiful. So why are you allowed to love your ‘curves’ but it’s wrong for me to love my ‘bones’? Why is it okay to call me anorexic, but horrible for me to call you fat? If you can tell me to ‘gain weight’, why cant I tell you to lose weight? If you can feel beautiful being big, I can feel beautiful being small.”—
There’s only one person who I truly feel comfortable around. I feel like no one else really understands me, but then again, it’s not their fault. I just refuse to open up.
New Year is in two days and I’m not quite sure what I will be doing. If my boyfriend was here, it’d make it easier for me to decide because most likely I’d spend some time with him and then with my friends.
2011 kinda sucks. The only thing I am happy about is my ATAR. Everything else is just a blur for me.
I never know how to deal with grief. I don’t know how to react once I hear a bad news about someones passing away…
The bad news doesn’t hit me until a week or so later. I’m not sure exactly why, but I know that I’m not the type of person who grieve instantly. It takes a while for those things to hit me. And when it does, I am the most vulnerable person on earth. All I want to do is be alone, confined in my own space and not be bothered by anyone.
“I miss you when you’re not around,’ he said. ‘I can’t sleep when you’re not next to me, and I worry a lot about what you’re up to.”
It’s been hard not having you around. I just don’t have anyone to spend the special holidays with. I find myself sitting there staring at the computer the screen for hours, trying to pass time. I tell myself that it is just an hour closer til’ you come home. It’s hard because I hate distance. I hate being away from someone that I am so attached to. I am used to you.
“You know what hurts more than losing somebody? Seeing them around being happy without you. Going to the places you used to go to, without them. Looking back through chatlogs where you spilled your intermost secrets. Having gifts and momentos given by them around your room. But most of all, constantly thinking about how it seemed so right, just before it all came crashing down.”—
My plans keep on changing because I keep changing my mind.
I just want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas! I hope the start of it was as good as mine! I thought it was going to be a drab but turns out it wasn’t that bad after all. I got to see my boyfriend and spent the first 5 hours of it with him and then I got to watch a good old Christmas movie after that. I didn’t get to sleep til about 7 this morning. Only had about 4 hours of sleep so far for today and I’m going to be going out later as well.
Anyway, I hope everyone’s day is filled with love and joy from friends and family!
I guess in a way, it is good that my boyfriend is on the other side of the world. I’ve been able to spend more than enough alone time by myself. I went to the park for stroll today. It was quite lovely because it was just the perfect breezy summer day I’ve always longed for. I watched little kids running around, screaming and laughing. I witnessed a mother feeding her child, a father teaching his daughter how to do a handstand and a teenage couple spending quality time together. Seeing the couple made me miss my boyfriend because that’s what we used to always do.
I did mention that I wasn’t certain of what I will be doing on Christmas Day in my previous entry but now I do know. I’ve decided to just spend some quality time with one of my close girl-friend. We will be heading towards the city and having dinner together. I’m very excited because it would be my first proper girl-on-girl dinner outing tomorrow night! Excited!!!! :)
Anyhoo, I’ll be off now. Finished the latest episode of Desperate Housewives and I’m super excited for the up coming one!!
Christmas is in 3 days and I have absolutely no idea what I am going to do. The plans I originally thought of didn’t turn out the way I wanted it to because my boyfriend is overseas, I started working and also I kinda don’t really know what is happening with events. Although Facebook does help me a little by notifying me about events and presenting me with so many to choose from, it still kinda makes it hard for me to decide really.
Anyhoo, lets just talk about what I’ve been up to since my boyfriend has been away. Well, basically it consists of work, work, work, sleep, work, work, work, work, work, sleep, work, work, work and more work. Yeah, no kidding. I’ve been working non-stop and I’m starting to think that I’m a work-a-holic. I’m not being melodramatic here… I just seriously think that I am addicted to work or making money so I can spoil myself with goodies that I could never afford before with only a $50 weekly allowance. Yeah, lately, everyday is Christmas for me.
I have also recently opened up two separate savings account so I can save up for a car as well as a getaway. I have so many plans for 2012 and I cannot wait! I swear to god, if I keep working at the rate I am now, I will be able to get an S2K in no time. No, I’m kidding. The S2K can wait because I have more important stuff to pay off. However, it’d be nice though… to have an S2K right now…
Okay. Back to my Desperate Housewives. I’m up to the latest season and I am loving it! Eva Longoria makes me laugh so much. She is such an amazing actress and a sexy one too! She is the one woman I would turn lesbian for. Okay, bye! :)
2011 is ending soon and I must say… I’m not satisfied with 2011 and I hope 2012 makes up for it.
I’ve had such an emotional rollercoaster ride with my “friends” (not pointing any fingers). There have been many lonesome bitching sessions in my head at night about who I hate for the week followed by the plotting of an imaginary murder for that person. I’ve become accustom to the phrase “trust no-bitch” thanks to certain people who gave me reasons not to. I can’t say that I’ve discovered “who my true friends are” because I really don’t think I’ve discovered them yet, to be truthfully honest. However, I do know which friends I want to keep in touch with forever.
2011 has honestly made me different. Good or bad, I’m not sure but I do know that I’ve become less patient, more stubborn and introverted. My mood changed frequently and it was ridiculous because I would usually feel about 5 different emotions in one minute. I realised that I had become less interactive with the people around me. I found myself wanting to be alone most of the time and refused to attend parties and declined invites to have lunch with people even the bestfriend who I would never have turned down in 2010! Most days, my rituals involved attending school, getting annoyed at people, hating people, not talking to people, get tired in class, go home, sleep and the cycle repeats. It’s kind of ridiculous now that I think about it.
I can’t believe that another year is going to end soon. Its crazy how time flies! It feels like it was just yesterday when I started my HSC and couldn’t wait for it to end. And now here I am writing up an entry about it. I have my ATAR mark, I have a job and I’m spending my very own money! It’s a great feeling knowing that I am providing for myself.
I hope 2012 is better though. Hope all is well. Merry early Christmas and an early Happy New Year!
Who you’re with at this very moment is the person you’re meant to be with. Maybe not for the rest of your lives or maybe you both weren’t supposed to make it past tomorrow, but right now, it’s with purpose. They could be absolutely wrong for you, in all ways but one; that single crumb of reason is what allows me to be patient because I’ve meddled with the dynamics of life and it has only spun quick 180s to bite me. You can’t rush what isn’t yet finished. I know that now. I spent years in puzzlement as I observed the relationships around me and how humans have this tendency of weighing the bad with the good, yet accepting it as it is in order to maintain that ounce of good left. Love was the answer to everything, it seemed.
Some people stay because they want to submit their entirety into what they feel as though they must exhaust before moving on. They want to know that they have done everything within their power. I commend you. I haven’t yet found that willpower but I admire it when I see it. We’ve all seen this - couples who complain and continue their reckless ways, devaluing the beginning and ends by constantly breaking up to make up. The couple who cried wolf as I’d like to call them. Those people keep trying and sometimes, they don’t know why anymore. But they do it anyway until they can’t.
You know what you end up with? Another lesson. Every experience allows you to sort between the things you want and don’t want in your future, habits that are destructive, personalities that do not fit with yours; the little things that can wear out a relationship as people start to feel the need to change to suit the person they want to be with. So if this is you, do what you must. Fight until you can’t and love until you realize it’s just not enough anymore. Know your worth and stand up for it.
Therefore, no matter where I am or who I’m with or who I’m interested in. Regardless of the circumstances that stand between us or how the dice just doesn’t roll in my favor, I will always remember that there is a time for everything. They are simply not yet prepared for me as I might not be for them, but when the stars align and life has played out as it should; it’s never too late.
And when it happens, you’ll just know that it was worth the wait.
It has been a while since I’ve spoken to people who I feel comfortable with. I don’t have the time of the day to sit down and even have a proper sms conversation with my bestfriend. I’m so busy ever since work started. I don’t get to spend as much time with my boyfriend or even ask him a simple “How was your day?” When I get home from work, I immediately shower and then head to bed then wake up for work the next day. It’s so tiring and at times overwhelming.
Hope all is well. Christmas is coming up. I’m going to be working.
Lately I just feel too tired to speak to people. Work has been wearing me out and I would literally clonk out when I reach home.
On a brighter note, got my first pay today. :)
Also, I’m gonna be lonered on Christmas, New Years and whatever other special days there are because boyfriend is going overseas on Wednesday, and bestfriend is going on the 19th. And also mum decided to go in two weeks time as well.