I don’t know what to say nor do to make you happy and I wish I did. I’m sorry for all those times I’ve hurt you and disappointed you. I’m sorry.
I love you.
Daddy’s little girl is all grown up now, thanks to you. You’ve taught me many things throughout my childhood. Growing up without you for the first 6 years of my life was painful, but that’s in the past now and there is nothing I want more in this world than for you to be happy. I am happy to have a father like you and I wouldn’t trade you for anyone else!
Ing kwonda ai ba ga ma nornung sil gingyik gao lao!
It has come to the point where I feel like none of them are good enough for me. I tend to pick out flaws and compare it to him. I have such high expectations and it gets to the point where I feel like they are never going to make me happy and I might as well just die alone.
Oh, he doesn’t give a shit about school. He’s not smart enough. He talks weird. Cute face, but what a dick personality. Our friendship means too much. Crap, he’s gonn’ be hella clingy. Fuck, this guy won’t stfu. Not tall enough. Petnames already? I hate petnames. He’s making me smile now, but is it going to last for long? What a flirt.
And the list goes on…
It’s rude and unfair for me to make judgements on all the guys I’ve come across, and I feel bad for it, but I really can’t help but think of those things. It’s making me feel insecure about myself.
Right now I hate relationships and every form that it takes.
Everyone has problems. Shit happens almost every day. You’re not dying from an incurable disease nor are you suffering from malnutrition and having no food to eat for days, week or months even.
Life’s tough and everyone goes through it. You’re not special. You’re not anything but human. There are people out there who are going through more pain than you are right now. Be glad that you have friends, be glad that your parents are still alive. Be glad that you still have body parts and be glad that you are still able to breathe. Others have it worse.
Life is tough and so is a concrete. So drink a cup of it and toughen the fuck up!
Eros love - known as “erotic love”. It is based on strong feelings toward another. It usually occurs in the first stages of a man-woman “romantic” relationship.
This love is based more on physical traits. Say a person says he has “fallen in love” for a woman, because “she looked like an angel” (sheesh). Or a woman “falls in love” for a guy because he is intelligent, has good breeding, etc.
The weakness with this type of love is obvious. It is based more on “self-benefit”, of what can benefit you rather than the other person. This is “I love you because it feels good, and makes ME happy loving you.” See? The keyword is the word “ME”.
When that person doesn’t “feel happy” anymore in loving that person, she/he is led to believe that she/he has “fallen out of love”. Actually, there was never “true love” in the first place. The fact is, love by feelings alone cannot be called “true love” simply because they do not know each other that much yet.
Two people feel this strong emotional attraction towards one another, though they barely really know about each other’s personalities. A person usually puts her/his best foot forward, showing only her/his good side. In order to be sure if “true love” exists, two people must know and accept each others’ good and bad traits.
Furthermore, they must have gone through a lot of time with each other, going through BOTH joys and sorrows, pains and pleasures, and still end up together. A lot of sacrifice towards each other is therefore essential.
It is love that is untested by hardships, and therefore may or may not last in the long-term. It may or may not develop into a higher form of love - philos love. Eros love can only succeed in the long-term if it progresses into a higher form of love. Otherwise, it will not last.
The romantic feeling common in “eros love” is natural, and an important part of a relationship between a man and a woman. Romance also plays a role in strengthening the bonds, especially at the start of a relationship. This is part of God’s plan.
What we need to be careful of is assuming a relationship must be “real love” just because it is romantic, because all we feel is happiness. As with most anything in life, we must learn to use both our heart and mind to judge if something is real.
Be careful also of being in love with the “concept of love” itself, rather than for who the person is. TV. movies, media has “romanticized” so much, it is often hard to see reality from fiction.
You must love a person for her/his uniqueness, not because you simply want to feel the joy of “being in love.” Such a love is concerned more with the “self” rather than the partner.
Over-relying on pure emotion without the balance of logic is a recipe for failure.
Philos love - a love based on friendship between two people. It is true that two lovers that start out by being friends first before becoming partners usually are the relationships that last more, long-term.
Friendship is the foundation of a successful relationship. This is true whether it is marriage, or boyfriend-girlfriend, relationship betweeen family members, relationship with co-workers, employer, etc.
In the case of a man-woman romantic relationship, the advantage is you get to know each other first, before committing to a more serious relationship above friendship.
You start out as friends, then admire each other, then possibly strong emotions can suddenly appear over time and you both realize you miss each other more. It takes time, and is patient (love is patient, love is kind!).
This is in contrast to a man-woman romantic relationship which starts out by “eros love”, meaning you get attracted by physical/mental traits alone. Strong emotions start almost immediately (some would even say “love at first sight”), though you do not even know each other that much.
With eros love, you see only each other’s strengths/good side, everything is rosy, mushy feeling of happiness, etc. Again, you cannot judge “real love” between two people based on strong emotions alone.
Philos love is a love based on “give-and-take”, where two people benefit each other in a mutual way. One partner is still concerned with what she/he can take, but at the same time is also concerned with her/his partner’s benefit and therefore gives back in return.
Therefore, philos is a higher type of love than eros. Philos love is a mutual, “give-and take” relationship, while eros love is a self-based, form of love that is more concerned with the “self” or self-benefit.
Like eros love, philos love must develop into a higher form of love, the highest love of all - “agape” or unconditional love.
Agape - unconditional love The third and highest type of love is “agape”, or unconditional love.
Agape love is above philos love and eros love. It is a love that is totally selfless, where a person gives out love to another person even if this act does not benefit her/him in any way. Whether the love given is returned or not, the person continues to love (even without any self-benefit).
Say, you help out a person, even though that person hates you and curses you. Or you take insults from your partner without hitting back, all the while forgiving and praying for your partner to amend her/his ways. Or the famed “unconditional love” that a mother has for her child (her child will always be the most beautiful child in the world to her, even with a face only a mother could love!).
Or the love we show our parents, taking care of them and helping them in their old age. Just like they took care of us when we were young, it is done with or without benefit in return.
However, the highest type of agape love is not human at all, but divine - God’s unconditional love for us, His children.
God’s love was shown to us the most when God the Father sent His one and only Son, Jesus Christ to his suffering and death on the cross for our salvation. There is no greater love than this. Jesus had no obligation to die for us, but He chose to. It is His gift, His ultimate gift.
He chose to die for us because He knew what would happen to us, to all mankind if He left us on our own. Without Jesus’ death on the cross, mankind is doomed to eternal damnation, no soul will be able to enter eternal life in Heaven.
The sins of mankind (since the first sin at Eden by Adam and Eve) have become so many and so great that no man can “redeem himself” by his own means alone. Even if each person “suffered and died on the cross”, it will not be enough to “repay sins’ debts” to God. Only the Begotten Son of God, Jesus Christ Himself, dying on that cross for us would “repay our debts of sin”.
First Corinthians 13:4-8 provides a perfect description for agape : “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”
In essence, eros love is “physical”, philos love is “mental”, and agape love is “spiritual”. Thus, it is made up of the three fundamental elements of man: physical, mental and spiritual.
Times has passed, memories were made, our hearts are healing, and even the awkwardness don’t seem too awkward anymore. We never had a proper goodbye and there were a lot of stuff that needed to be said, but we pretend that everything’s O.K. And just like that, we stopped taking notice of each others lives.
Of course we’ll meet new people and fall in love again. Of course we’re gonna hate each other and seek out to hurt each other but we’ll always have a history that won’t let us forget no matter how much we want to.
The love kids have for their parents and siblings.
I was walking around in a Target store, when I saw a cashier hand this little boy some money back.
The boy couldn’t have been more than 5 or 6 years old.
The cashier said, “I’m sorry, but you don’t have enough money to buy this doll.”
Then the little boy turned to the old woman next to him: ”Granny, are you sure I don’t have enough money?”
The old lady replied: ”You know that you don’t have enough money to buy this doll, my dear.”
Then she asked him to stay there for just 5 minutes while she went to look a round. She left quickly.
The little boy was still holding the doll in his hand.
Finally, I walked toward him and I asked him who he wished to give this doll to.
“It’s the doll that my sister loved most and wanted so much for Christmas. She was sure that Santa Claus would bring it to her.”
I replied to him that maybe Santa Claus would bring it to her afterall, and not to worry.
But he replied to me sadly. “No, Santa Claus can’t bring it to her where she is now. I have to give the doll to my mommy so that she can give it to my sister when she goes there.”
His eyes were so sad while saying this. “My sister has gone to be with God. Daddy says that Mommy is going to see God very soon too, so I thought that she could take the doll with her to give it to my sister.”
My heart nearly stopped.
The little boy looked up at me and said: “I told daddy to tell mommy not to go yet. I need her to wait until I come back from the mall.”
Then he showed me a very nice photo of him where he was laughing. He then told me “I want mommy to take my picture with her so she won’tforget me. I love my mommy and I wish she doesn’t have to leave me, but daddy says that she has to go to be with my little sister.”
Then he looked again at the doll with sad eyes, very quietly.
I quickly reached for my wallet and said to the boy. “Suppose we check again, just in case you do have enough money for the doll?”
“OK,” he said, “I hope I do have enough.” I added some of my money to his without him seeing and we started to count it. There was enough forthe doll and even some spare money.
The little boy said: “Thank you God for giving me enough money!”
Then he looked at me and added, “I asked last night before I went to sleep for God to make sure I had enough money to buy this doll, so thatmommy could give it to my sister. He heard me!”
“I also wanted to have enough money to buy a white rose for my mommy, but I didn’t dare to ask God for too much. But He gave me enough to buy the doll and a white rose.”
“My mommy loves white roses.”
A few minutes later, the old lady returned and I left with my basket.
I finished my shopping in a totally different state from when I started. I couldn’t get the little boy out of my mind.
Then I remembered a local newspaper article two days ago, which mentioned a drunk man in a truck, who hit a car occupied by a young woman and a little girl.
The little girl died right away, and the mother was left in a critical state. The family had to decide whether to pull the plug on the life-sustaining machine, because the young woman would not be able to recover from the coma. Was this the family of the little boy?
Two days after this encounter with the little boy, I read in the newspaper that the young woman had passed away.
I couldn’t stop myself as I bought a bunch of white roses and I went to the funeral home where the body of the young woman was exposed for people to see and make last wishes before her burial.
She was there, in her coffin, holding a beautiful white rose in her hand with the photo of the little boy and the doll placed over her chest.
I left the place, teary-eyed, feeling that my life had been changed forever.. The love that the little boy had for his mother and his sister is still, to this day, hard to imagine. And in a fraction of a second, a drunk driver had taken all this away from him.
Now you have 2 choices: 1) Repost this message. 2) Ignore it as if it never touched your heart
My two girls and I - Linda and Ying, sat on the roof outside Ying’s room one night. We watched the stars twinkle, the clouds move and the three-quarter moon getting revealed slowly as the clouds drift away. It was a beautiful view. We took photos and videoed and such. It was fun. And memorable.
We talked about how life’d be like 10 years from now and how different people will be. Who will marry who and which high school sweethearts still together and who’s rich, who’s poor, etc…
But what really got to me was the fact that in about a year and a half time, I will be leaving my school mates. The people I’ve been schooling with for the past 5 years of my life, and some way back from year 2. I know I’ll miss them all. It makes me sad to see that life’s moving on and things are changing. HSC is just around the corner. And after that, we have to make our choices and chose which path we’re going to take. It’s sad to think about it but at the same time, I feel excited.
Most of us would agree that the days we spent in high school were certainly the best days of our lives. It was in school that we made our first friends, competed to excel, hoped for places in the sports teams, and learned our first lessons about life.
I know definitely in 10 years time, the first person I’d want to see and hear about would be my high school sweetheart. Definitely him. I’d wonder how he’s doing and who his girlfriend is. I’d definitely wonder if he’s making her happy. I’d want to hear about his family. I’d want to know if he’s still chasing his dream. I support him 100% with everything he does, whether it’s a career in basketball, or anything else, I’d support him definitely. He’s got a bright future ahead of him. And I’m definitely looking forward to seeing that.
And then there are the friends who stuck by me through all these years. It’s safe to say, they are one of the most loving, caring, honest girlfriends I’ve ever had. They’re not afraid to tell me the truth and I really like that about them. I just hope that we don’t drift apart when high school ends cus I’d be pretty devastated. Those girls mean the world to me. I love them to bits.
I haven’t forgotten about the boys who make me laugh in and out of class. I’ve gotten to know quite a lot of them, and they are pretty decent guys themselves. They are charming, nice and caring. Bao and Alan are the two boys I’ve gotten to know quite well in the last few years. And it’d be sad for me to drift away from them. There are also the rest of the significant guys in the school that made an impact on me - big or small.
Bring It! Yes, you guys have definitely made me realise how to laugh and have a good time. I think that we (Annie, Denise, Jenny Chan, Anna Tang, Mikey, Joey, Tuan, Jackson and I) have gotten closer in the short amount of time we had for practice. We did crazy stunts, say stupid things, pissed each other off, and got frustrated at each other for not turning up to practice, but lets face it guys… between all that, we learned how to be patient (I should know. Took me so long to learn the dance moves!), to forgive and most importantly, have fun. So I’m glad that I was part of it. AND WE KICKED ASS ON THE DAY BTW!!! My back was aching so badly though from all the “bending” over. Ha! Lol
And who can forget the teachers? They are the reason why my head is functioning properly atm. They teach me new things everyday and I’m grateful to have been taught by each and everyone of them. In some ways, they make me feel successful.
I’m terrified of moving on. I’m scared and I feel like I should invent a time machine and pause time so that I can take everything in. Take all of this in. I just wish there was a pause button.
High school is one of the funniest times in your life. You tend to wake up everyday, dreading that’s it’s school. You complain that there are so much homework and assignments and you tend to procrastinate. But between all that, you actually have fun without even realizing it. You learn new things everyday. High school is fun and we tend to take it for granted.
We seem to take a lot of things for granted actually. Like our friends for instant. Through high school, you will go through a few friendships and you will see that most friendships are fake. Well, not fake but at least untrustworthy. You will jump from groups to group until you finally settle in. But that’s just life. Everyone goes through it. Forgive but never forget.
Live everyday like it’s your last.
Emotions, drama, broken hearts, and lies. And they say these were the best days of our lives? It is, because in between all that, you learn something. And that something is life itself.
Yeah. Trying to stop my Facebook addiction. Do you have msn? I can’t seem to access your “ask” since it’s not enabled. Haha, and sorry I didn’t get to read what you said. Looking forward to getting to know ya. :)
Yesterday you were better off than you are today but it took today for you to realize it. But today has arrived and it’s too late. You see? people are never happy with what they have. They want what they had, or what others have. The grass is always greener on the other side.
“Countless photographs are taken in the mind everyday as we move on to the future while remembering the past. We remember the times we spent with our friends and family. The moments of greatness, happiness, laughter and enjoyment as well as the moments of sadness, tears, disappointments and heartbreak. Memories are often painful, for the bad ones are bad and for the good ones, we know, we may never be able to experience them ever again. But we still remember and we all move on, whether we like it or not. As time passes, places change, people change, relationships change, YOU change, and everything changes! But never forget to remember, the times you had together, with your best friends, your family and even your worst enemies. As we build our lives in separate directions, we remain bonded, only by the memories we share. Treasure them, because at the end of the day it’s all you have got.”—
They say the people hardest to love are the people who needs them most.
lilytrang: I have to say I agree with this. Only, because that person probably have built up their walls so high, they wouldn’t allow anyone to care for them. Because they’ll become afraid to get hurt again. Because these are the people who been through a lot of pain, rather it is by their parents, by their friends, by their lovers, by their siblings, or anyone. It is because, they have a past that have torn them apart so bad, that they don’t dare accept love, because it hurts. It becomes a bittersweet feeling when someone cares about them. It makes them cry, when someone cares about them too much, love them just for who they are. Because, the hardest people to love is usually the people who needs it most. They suffered through a lot, they suffered through the abuse of being neglected. They suffered through the abuse physically, mentally, and emotionally. The people who are the hardest to love, is usually because they’ve been hurt for too long, they don’t know what it is to have someone actually there for them through thick and thin, only because everyone keeps walking in and out of their life. The people who are the hardest to love are usually the people who put on a cold front, a strong exterior, but in the interior they’re fragile, they can break easily. The people who are the hardest to love are usually the ones who lies and say they’re okay, then they say they don’t need anyone there for them. When in reality, the truth is they’re dying inside. They’re killing their own emotions each day they go through, they suffer through all this to see who is willing to be there for them through the worst times of needs and the best. They say the people hardest to love are the people who needs it the most, because they’ve been hurt once too many times. They only need one person to be there for them, through thick and thin, yet everyone keeps giving up on them, which is why their built their walls so high. This is why, the hardest people to love are the one I say worth suffering for if you really want to see how beautiful they shine in the end.
Out of all the people I follow on this jazz, you're most definetely my favorite. It's like, as much as I would like to write about my past issues with someone whom I can't let go, you pretty much write the words right out of my head.
Why you are definitely one of the many people here who makes me feel better about myself. Thank you. My day has definitely changed for the better! <3
Oh please, fuck up. Age is just a number. The whole “I don’t want to say I Love You too early because I’m only a teenager in high school and I don’t even know what love is yet. Also because we’ve only been dating for 2 months” is a load of crap.
Age is just a fucking number. It doesn’t get to determine whether or not you’re in love or if you’ve been in love. At this age, I hear so many people saying that they’re still young and they have no idea what love is yet. Ok, stfu. You ain’t fooling no one. It’s just a pathetic excuse for your maturity.
If you don’t know what love is then why the fuck are you in a relationship? Love has different connotations to everyone. There isn’t a specific meaning. So quite it with your bull crap.
And the word “love” or “hate” isn’t as strong of a word in reality. It ain’t going to kill anybody. So quite making such a big deal out of it. If you’re hurt, deal with it. Suck it up or fuck up.
There are a lot of things in this world that play a significant role in my life. Such as birthdays, friends, family as well as the not so significant things like my weight or my height.
All those things have one thing in common. Numbers. They are all based on numbers. Every year the label gets bigger and bigger. My age increases and each year, I am once again is labelled with numbers. I am now 16, about to turn 17. This doesn’t seem so significant right?
Wrong. I’m growing up, I’m starting to realise many things. I’m starting to hope, wish, cry and believe more. I’m gaining and losing friends and taking my family for granted countless times. Again, numbers.
I couldn’t care less about my weight or my height. As long as I feel confident, then I am perfectly content with the way I am. I’m a size 6, about 163cm tall and my waist is too small for most high-waisted skirts/shorts/jeans. Again, numbers.
Throughout my whole life, I’ve never found any number that is as significant as 127. Before ever signaturing 127. Never in my life have I ever walked pass that number and stop then think and smile. Never in my life have I ever cried over something as little as that number. Never in my life have I ever stayed up pass 1 o’clock, glancing at the time repetitively. Never ever in my life was I ever so hurt and so crazy in love. And never ever in my life have I ever been completely and utterly this stupid for still thinking about it.
Numbers. It’s a pretty significant thing in my life. The thing is, I can’t get away from it. From the time to a random graffiti on the streets to the numbers of people I’m following.
Numbers. Never in my life have I ever hated such a number ever so much.
It's ok to be scared, because it means that you've got something to lose.
You didn’t intentionally break my heart, I know. You’ve said your sorrys many times and I know you were just trying to protect me. But in the end, I cried anyway.
The truth is, you’re just scared. You’re just scared of hurting me and you’re scared to admit that you’re with her. The truth is, when you’re with me, you can’t even remember her name. You’re the “heat-of-the-moment” type of guy, and in some ways, it kind of sucks for you. You never really know what you want or in your case, had, til’ it’s gone.
I’m not just saying this for me but it also goes to you. This also goes to the past, the present and probably the future as well. You’re always confused with what you want, yet you still strive for it anyway. But in the end, you’re always left with nothing and you always have to hide behind that silhouette of yours.
I cry a river when there’s a sad couple parting in movies. And it makes me think about all the possibilities of me being in that situation with my soul mate. I sympathize a lot to people who are in trouble. I’m competitive in all areas such as education and sports. I always strive to be the top. My own competitor is myself. I care too much for others feelings when I should be caring about mine. I have a lot of sad, tragic stories to pass around but I don’t want to have a burden on people, so I cry to release the pain. I’m a cry baby. I feel sorry for people who gets bullied and I would do anything to back them up even if it means me getting hated. I forgive too easily and I think that’s my strength. I don’t always learn from my first, second or third mistakes but on the fourth, I do because I believe that everyone deserves a first, second, third and sometimes even a fourth chance. Music sets fire to my vein and it makes me feel alive. I listen to songs when I’m sad and I cry to the lyrics because I feel like it’s the only thing in this world that can relate to me. I’m willing to go out of my ways for you if I feel like you’re the same person who will go out their ways for me because friendship means a lot to me. I don’t usually trust people that fast or easily because my own has been abused several times through the years of my life. I tend to take things slowly because I believe that the best moments in the world should be examined with joy and love. I don’t question ‘why’ unless I feel the need to. And with that, people take me for granted. My heart’s been stepped on, praised, broken and I’ve been to places no one ever dreamt of but I’m still up on my two feet because I believe that I can overcome anything if I keep striving for what I want. When I grow up, I would like to have a big family, have a loving, trustworthy, honest, caring husband and kids who will make me proud. My mother is my hero and there is only one person in this world that I hold a grudge against, and that is my own father. Even though I said I’m a forgiving person, I can never find the time to sit and figure out why I’ve never forgiven my dad. Flowers are nice, they calm me down. I love the scent of frangi panis because they give out this kind of euphoria that I can never get from anywhere else. I don’t believe in God or Buddha. I believe that we humans are made up of building blocks of matter and our actions determine our next move. I believe that behind every masked baddies, their heart is sincerely good. I think that helping out the poor is one of life’s most rewarding satisfaction. I’m not afraid of death, but I tend to wonder who will actually cry at my funeral. I won’t give up on you if I feel like there are many things that we haven’t been through. I will let go if it’s necessary but I like to give myself the benefit of the doubt. I say sorry a lot because most of the time, I feel like it’s my fault. I over react and I jump to conclusions too easily. I don’t enjoy watching the sunset or the sunrise. Long walks on the beach is stupid. I hate pet names. Hugging and kissing is boring. Holding hands is worse. And the word love is not in my vocabulary anymore. Unless you’re a strong bulldozer who’s capable of knocking down my thick brick wall then I suggest you stay far away from me. I’m troubled. And you’re in deep shit if you ever fall in love with me.
I’m just that type of girl. Get used to it. I’m sorry if it doesn’t fulfill your need, but know that it’s who I am and I won’t for a second even consider changing for you. By doing so, it will totally ruin the image of who I’m out to be. I wouldn’t be the person I am if I were to twist my words, change my movements and rearrange myself just to fit your standards or needs. If you can’t handle me then I’m sure there’s going to be a guy out there that can. So it’s your loss. Not mine.
You do not get to apologise to me about what you’ve done wrong. You do not get to tell me that you’re sorry for all the things you’ve said. And you are definitely not in the position to tell me who I can or cannot have feelings for. Before all that crying, before all that anger, before all that pain I started feeling, I was fine. You hear me? FINE!
I told you I didn’t need any sympathy. I told you that I was fine, but stupid you, had to go along and start playing that stupid boyfriend role all over again. What really gave me the shits was the fact that you thought you were protecting me.
I have gained the years, but not the wisdom. But you, you were always a bird. Not so much with those ruffled feathers or pointed feet, but with the wings and that grace. You were clumsy, a penguin, that’s right. But still with the wings. And I saw you grow from laughter to “I love you” to love-making. I only ever got those small portions, not your whole. And I’m still missing those little pieces at night.
You see, I have certainly gained the years, but not the wisdom. Instead it’s the distance, be it physically, or mentally. I miss you. I still remember who I was at the point. I was someone who asked you too many “whys?” and put up with too many of your flaws and your vices. I remember my hesitant excitement at crucial moments, my sense of calm and comfort on the rest of the time. You made me breathe heavily when I’m lying next to you, but I held half of it in, trying to keep quiet for you so it was easier to sleep. I remember every long second we spent together in bed, because I was awake for literally every one. I couldn’t sleep if you were around because that would be time wasted. So I held you tighter and grew more uncomfortable when I had less and less bed space, or when my arm was stuck under your body. I wanted nothing to do with disturbing you. And I remembered everytime I went to your room. I’d always see my gifts, all neatly placed on your table - colour and size coordinated. And a smile would always be brought upon my face whenever I look at them because as long as they’re up there, I know that you still cherish me. But what gets to me the most is that white bear you have on your bed. That bear never really made me happy. I hate that bear. Yes, I admit it. I really do. Because looking at that bear makes me angry. It makes me wanna rip it’s whole body apart and burn it.
I remember all of me, and every flower I ordered from the shops for you on Valentines Day, every index card with poetry or with “I love you” - always in uppercase that I’ve given you with all the special occasions. I only hope you weren’t as careless with me, because I certainly wasn’t that way with you. I was obsessive with letting you know how I felt. I was nervous with trying to find the words and new ways to show you that, though.
I was there to keep you safe, arms always around you’re neck, hugging you, kissing you. But you, yes you. You were always there to shorten the distance, to bridge the gap. I tried holding your hands, but only for it to be pushed away by you. The Eskimo kisses, late night phone calls, walks and all those dates those were me. Initiative and fear, however far apart those may be, those were characteristics of me that eventually came to you. I’d take back all of your vices as well as your flaws. If I could have back those few simple moments where we mirrored fingertips on sunny afternoons, laughed on ends about silly things then I would. If I remember nothing else, I’ll always remember this one thing - you made me do things I’ve never done and while I’ll always be different without you, you’ve changed parts of me that I’ll always carry.
I’ve never felt so small and helpless and utterly lost. I don’t know what’s suppose to come next because I don’t even know what’s happening right now and the past is filled with so much falsehood it makes the room spin. I feel so alone because even if there was someone to listen, I would never have the courage to tell what’s inside of me. I’m crying one of those ‘feels like you’ll never stop crying’ cries and here I go. Running to my shower floor as if being on my knees has anything but shame in it. I’m just tired of myself and I’m not cut-out for this life. I just can’t seem to get things right. I feel like I have a void, I feel like I need a map. My heart hurts so badly I want to give up now.
It’s like when he said to me “I know and I understand. And I’m sorry but it’s over” - and I hate it. I hate that it’s so hard and that you can hurt me so much. I know everything that you did because you did it to me. I feel like I can’t breathe.
Yeah, I do miss you. It feels like we’re planets apart.
intrikkit: In relationships, changes and problems can arise through lack of communication, betrayal of trust, emotional insecurity, unresolved problems in other areas of life, differing values, with other’s rights as an individual, with holding affection or support, and selfish behaviour. If a relationship is damaging to your self esteem, or is going in a direction you do not want to follow, communicate your feelings to your friend or partner. If it isn’t working, it is time to move away. Not all decisions are going to be easy and at times there will be conflicts in relationships. Ask yourself if the relationship is worth keeping or if you are better out of it. If you want to stay together you need to ask yourself, “is this worth fighting over?”
I don’t know what to say. I’m not even sure if there is anything to say. The only thing I’m sure of is that I know what I want. I know how I want the outcome of it to be. The only thing that’s stopping me is my mixed feelings. It’s inconsolable and it feels like nothing in this world can fix me.
I feel empty. I feel unloved. I feel annoyed and angry.
I guess that it’s okay to want someone you can’t have. I guess it’s okay to want something more. I guess it’s okay to stay angry at someone who hurt you. I guess it’s okay to cry yourself to sleep at night. I guess it’s okay to stay up and reminisce about the past. I guess it’s okay to dwell on what could’ve, should’ve and would’ve been. I guess everything will be okay.
That’s just how it works. Sometimes things in life don’t turn out how you want them to be and most of the time, it probably seems like they never will. But eventually, in the end, everything will be okay.